DRACULA IN OUTER SPACE!

Ok Ok Ok Ok Ok- so, i know everyone's been ranting and hooplahing about the new Antonio Banderas movie "Dracula In Outer Space." My question is-- how many of you have actually bought the ticket and sat on the launch pad?
Well... here's a short synopsis for those of you that have yet to blast-off. Our hero Barry Martin (Paul Walker) is sent on a top-secret mission to Venus. Suddenly, 29 months into the space voyage, things start malfunctioning in Martin's ship. He's violently awoken from his cryogenic sleep by the massive explosion of his second engine. As Martin breaks out of his glass tube (which clearly symbolizes a coffin) he catches a glimpse of a lurking figure in the other room. The next 20 minutes of the film is a terrifying psychosomatic cluster of images as violins shriek, gongs drone, and our hero frantically chases a caped figure through the enormous maze of a ship. Finally, Martin leaps forward and catches the caped assailant by ankle. Both men hit the ground... and then Martin wakes up-- As wastes of time go, this is a big one.
After Martin realizes that it was only a 23-minute dream, he begins to investigate his ship and tries to find out what brought him out of his cryogenic state. The action quickly picks up right where it left off as Martin enters the dark bowels of the ship. He strikes a flair only to realize that he's standing face to face with none other than Dracula (Antonio Banderas). A 7-minute martial arts battle rages as Stone Temple Pilots blasts in the background. Finally, in a feat of strength, the king-vampire flies Martin 10 feet in the air and slams him on the ground. While pinned on the ground, Dracula and Martin exchange a lengthy dialogue about space travel and physics. The scene would be very boring and anti-climactic if it weren't for Banderas' incredible Dracula-voice.
Overall, the film is violent and boring. The story goes several places, but never stays in any of them for long. The plot is one that we've seen a thousand times before: Space, Dracula, Repeat. The acting, however, is what kept me from asking for my time, money, and rocket fuel back. Walker puts his heart and soul into this role and Banderas' menacing sneer made me cover my eyes in terror. If you have trouble sleeping after this film, try my method: just keep repeating- Antonio Banderas is not really Dracula, Antonio Banderas is not really Dracula, Antonio Banderas is not really Dracula... sweet dreams.

-Paul Cloud